On Space Men and House husbands
Son.
We are a society perverted by our own successes. What are the first two things we ask when we make a new acquaintance? What is your name? and What do you do? I think that has become an equally challenging issue for women in America.
Is that a necessary by-product of capitalism? Must we be producing a product to have worth in ourselves? I think it goes back farther than that. I think it goes way back to our childhood. When we come home from school with good grades our parents and that one sicko Aunt tell us we are good boys. If we have bad grades then we are shunned as bad boys. We slowly develop a sense of self that is founded in what we do – rather than who we are. Society then proceeds to ingrain us with all sorts of ‘shoulds.’ Shoulds are mental health viruses.
I mentioned in an earlier post that the way we think about things is based on the filter of our life experience. I asked, if this is true, (and we don’t feel good) then how do we change our filter?
My thought is that one cannot change nature – but one can change nurture. How? we ask. By changing our environment – spend as much time as possible with people who value your person – not your product. In order to change self perception we must be aware and we must have affirmation – sorry, but that is the nature of man.
Imagine a clear pint bottle – filled with clear water. The water is your life experience. Now drop one drop of red food coloring into the bottle. What happens? The water is tainted a slight pink. Now imagine a clear gallon bottle, filled with clear water. (the water is life experience) Now drop the same drop of red food coloring into the bottle – what happens? Some change in color – but not as pronounced. The gallon bottle is a sixty year old person, the pint is a twenty year old. New life experiences change a youth more than an older person – but the older person can change – they just require more drops of a different life experience.
Developing a new sense of self is dependent on how ingrained we are in our old self and how much opportunity we have for new life experiences.
I know this – I sure am proud of my boy.
Dad
Comment by bindi nestor on 26 September 2007:
This is a wonderful response to the previous post. I think your advice is excellent.
Just on the point of spending time with those who value you: it can be hard for dads because they do not have the support networks that mothers have. In Australia we have mums groups for new mothers, and play groups. Dads who join sometimes feel left out (because they can’t share birth stories for example) and they are the exception rather than the norm. My experience is that these groups of women validated me as a parent/mother and provided support and friendship, like new work colleagues. I wonder how we can better support dads.
Comment by Dawn on 26 September 2007:
When teaching preschool, I took a class that would improve my skills. One of the things I remember was on giving children praise. When the child draws a picture, for example, our impulse is to say, “How pretty! I really like that.” The instructor stressed that this was passing judgment on the picture. It does not matter if we like the picture or not. A better thing to say would be, “Tell me about your picture. I see you used the color green. Why did you choose that color?” This shows the child that you value their efforts rather than their results, and you are encouraging them and showing they have worth by showing interest in what they did.
It is so ingrained in us to encourage through praise. But praise is a judgment, even if well intentioned. Why not try to get the other person to talk about the choices they make rather than stating your own opinion about them or their choice?