The Environmental Protection Agency, a cousin to the National Parks, has declared the species of neanderthal Republicans to be endangered. Qualifying as endangered provides specific government protection. Specifically, the EPA is developing a Republican Wildlife Refuge. Preliminary plans are to locate the Refuge in Alaska.
Drastic action is called for after a recent study by REALCLEAR ANIMAL BEHAVIOR. Predictions call for the need for a Republican Refuge by November 5, 2008. The Republicans are traditionally docile animals until aggravated. They generally do not represent any threat until they congregate in large herds. Emboldened by numbers, they strike out at the most vulnerable in society. This emboldened behavior is usually followed by a social uprising – generally caused by the destruction of wild Republicans.
The recent uprising by society to reign in the maliciously destructive Republicans has provoked a few of the more aggressive creatures. Republicans are known to become aggressive when wounded. When wounded a Republican might act in erratic and unpredictable ways. If you see or hear one – just keep your distance – he or she will eventually slink back into the darkness.
Traditional thought maintained the male of the species to be the more dangerous. With better equipment for observation, the new thought is that the females may be even more dangerous. It appears that Republican females are less intelligent, and will strike anywhere the male directs.
The National Republican Wildlife Refuge of Alaska will be corralled by pipelines. Studies show that oil pipelines in forests have a calming affect on Republicans in herds. Large speakers will be strategically located throughout the Refuge. Some particular sounds also serve to calm the wild beast. Such as: the rumbling of coal trains, rooting and grunting, rambling human sentences, threats and coercion. cash registers ringing, pocket change jingling, and particularly the loud toot of horns from oil cargo ships.
The Republicans will be allowed to cohabitation with Polar Bears. Snow machines will be prohibited. Moose hunting will not be allowed. Fishing for logic and reason will be encouraged.
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