Problems With Oil Leaks – Call A Redneck
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Ohg Rea Tone is all or nothing. He is educated and opinionated, more clever than smart, sarcastic and forthright. He writes intuitively - often disregarding rules of composition. Comment on his posts - he will likely respond with characteristic humor or genuine empathy. He is the real-deal.

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Problems With Oil Leaks – Call A Redneck

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From the AP (Anything Possible), Punkin Center, Missouri.

Most every morning the boys meet at the General Store to solve the world problems.  No problem is too big for a certified Redneck.  And the General Store gang is composed of certified Rednecks.  The Store has a garage out back – some call it a shade tree – but it works as a garage too.  When the sun is shining and the oil is leaking the shade tree is the place to go.

“I heard they got themselves an oil leak down their in Louisiana,” Billy Ray mused.

Bobby John sipped his beer and smiled, “That aint no ordinary leak Billy Ray.  What they got down there is a hole in the oil pan.  The oil comes out the bottom as fast as you can pour it in the top.”

Billy Ray liked to keep things simple, “They could fix that by not pouring any more oil in the top.”

Hank leaned back against the tree, “Billy Ray, if you do that the whole engine stops running.  You got to have that oil.”

Billy Ray was energized by the prospect of a new mechanical problem, “Did they try to put a cork in the hole?”

Bobby John was the only member present who actually read newspapers so he generally offered the facts as interpreted by city boys in Manhattan.  “They tried to put a cork in but when they started the engine the cork blew out and killed Aunt Mollie’s cat.”

A thoughtful Billy Ray wasted no time, “They should get some of that clay dirt from up over on Monkey Mountain.  That stuff is sticky.  They could plug the hole, wait for the clay to dry.  Set it out in the sun to get real hard.  You know, like we did with that wasp nest in the store chimney?”

Bobby John had read about that, “They tried that Billy Ray.  They even stick some golf balls and cement in the hole.  The pressure just blew that stuff to pieces.”

“How about duct tape?  Did they try that?”

“Nope.  The engineers working for the oil companies don’t like duct tape.  They say it aint reliable.”

Billy Ray was getting serious.  This was a great problem to work on and he had the solution.  “They need to get an old metal coffee can, duct tape it over the hole, the put an oil pump in to pick up the leaked oil and hose it back to the top of the engine.  Just circoolate the stuff.”

“They tried putting a can over the leak but the pressure was too much – it blew a hole in the can,”  Bobby John had the newspaper folded up in his back pocket.

Billy Ray was quicker than he was smart, but he never gave up, “If that pressure is so great then why don’t they just stick a hose over the hole and let the pressure of the leak pump the oil through the hose.  Why don’t they try that?”

“They tried that Billy Ray,”  Bobby John seemed perplexed.  “But they said the hose was too small and only got some of the oil.”

Hank was leaning on the shade tree with his eyes closed, listening to the cussing and discussing, “I think what they need is a new engine.  We been here all morning talking about how to circoolate oil.  Maybe they needs a engine that don’t take oil.  Maybe something that runs on lectricity.”

Billy Ray was flustered, “Now where you going to get that much lectricity Hank?”

Hank kept his eyes closed, “They could run the lectric turbines down at the power plant with the hot air produced by all the bickering about oil.”

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