Illegal Immigrants Cause Global Warming

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Ohg Rea Tone is all or nothing. He is educated and opinionated, more clever than smart, sarcastic and forthright. He writes intuitively - often disregarding rules of composition. Comment on his posts - he will likely respond with characteristic humor or genuine empathy. He is the real-deal.

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Illegal Immigrants Cause Global Warming

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It is hot in Missouri – the folks who know are saying it is hotter than it was the last time it was hot – and I believe them.  And I know why.  Global Warming, it is as simple as that.  But the cause has been uncovered with some simple research conducted at the South Belt WalMart in St. Joe, Mo.

I wore a disguise so no one would realize I was conducting a study.   I also did the study in American English so the illegal folks I was following around would not get the picture.  The first place to go when conducting a scientific study of this nature is the Latino Food Section at WalMart.  Right there we saw store employees stocking three shelves of re-fried beans.  There was no sale – just the regular price.  But the beans were selling as fast as they could be stocked.

There were a number of people who were either not illegal or they were wearing disguises like mine.  I suspect a couple of them were poor white folks from the south side trailer court.  They were buying the re-fried beans to supplement their pasta and bread diet.  Anyway – it was clear from one day of moderate observation that the re-fried beans are hot items (pun intended).

Now figure this:  If there are twelve million illegal aliens in this country (and we all know that means Mexicans) and they are all buying cart loads of re-fried beans, then they are consuming some serious gas loads.  Collectively they could probably power the generators down at the power plant.  But no, they are not contributing to positive energy development.  Their gas escapes into the atmosphere.  Maybe we could sell some carbon credits to the immigrants – we could tell them it is a credit toward citizenship – what do they know?

Scientists have confirmed that methane gas from cattle is a major source of greenhouse gas – contributing to Global Warming.  How many cows do they think there are?  I bet it is not twelve million.  But someone somehow knows how many people are in the United States without documentation – figure that out – if they are not documented then how do we know how many there are?  Anyway – for the sake of argument – figure there are twelve million illegal aliens consuming a can of re-fried beans every day.  Then figure the white folks at the trailer park eat one can every two days.  (We are speculating.  Because of disguises we are unable to get a clear picture of the trailer trash.  We looked up ‘trailer trash’ on the internet and it said anyone who eats more than two cans of re-fried beans every week.)

Re-fried beans are known to produce fourteen liters of methane gas for every twelve ounce can consumed.  Multiply a can a day for a year times twelve million and add another ten to twelve million of white trailer trash times three cans a week and you can see right away where most of the methane gas is coming from.

It seems like a dark cloud is hanging over Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, and southern California.  We hear about the people in those States looking for more water – they are running out.  Well go figure – they are warming the planet with all of their methane gas and then they wonder where the water went – or why more people are drinking water.

The WalMart employee has just returned and they have a whole new shelf of ‘organic’ refried beans.  What in the world makes a refried bean ‘organic.’  Maybe they fried the beans over a wild fire.  It may be another way to mask the conspiracy.  There are even ‘fat free’ refried beans – but that don’t mean nothing to Global Warming.

You don’t need no disguise to calculate the damage done to the image of innocent cows.  The evidence is clear – illegal immigration is a direct contributor to Global Warming.

There Are 3 Responses So Far. »

  1. The best kind of journalism is the kind that is backed up with hard numbers and sound deductive reasoning. Well done, sir.

  2. But I thought global warming didn’t exist!

  3. Global Warming only exists when we can tie it to some other radical right loony proposition. ……

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