You can’t make this stuff up. I have heard that before – but these guy made this stuff up:
Jay Leno said, “The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.” Sometimes the comedians are best at honest commentary on our world today. (Thanks to the Huff Post for compiling this list).
“There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.” — P.J. O’Rourke
“The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.” — Joan Rivers
“Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.” — Dennis Miller
“That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It’s like, “Oh great, socks. You know I’m dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They’ll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?” — Jim Gaffigan
“One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.” — Louis C.K.
“Every year, Christmas gets longer and longer, and you don’t care, do you? Every year, you just take more of the calendar for yourself. How long does it take you people to shop? It’s beyond belief! It’s insane! When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn’t poking his ass into it!” — Lewis Black
“This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.” — Anthony Jeselnik
department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know
when to stop unwrapping.” —Steven Wright