He’s not egotistical.  He just loves intelligent people.

He collects his own autographs.

Some people think they know everything.  They irritate those of us who do.

His marriage was a triangle:  Him, his wife, and him.

He never takes a hot shower, it clouds his mirror.

He found his better half in a mirror.

Fall in love with yourself, you will have no rivals.

She hates to go to the movies or read books.  It takes her mind off herself.

Her idea of being unfaithful is to turn away from the mirror.

She is so egotistical she was at a funeral and she envied the corpse.

When she walks down the street she holds her own hand.

When he heard thunder he took a bow.

When he says his own name he takes off his hat.

Egotists, under duress, will admit they are wonderful.