JESUS:

Jesus walks into a hotel.  He hands the room clerk three nails and says, “Can you put me up for the night?

I don’t care who you are, get back in the boat and help us row.

I don’t care who you are, drop that cross one more time and you are out of the parade.

Jesus on the cross, “Hey Mom, I can see our house from here.”

The man is being pummeled by stones.  Jesus says “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”  A little old lady pushes her way trough the crowd, picks up a rock and whacks the man in the head.  Jesus says, “Mom, I wish you would stop that.”

CHRISTMAS:

Last Christmas I told Santa what I wanted.  He said, “Me too!”

Christmas is the time of year kids get toys their fathers can play with.

Why does Christmas always come when the stores are so crowded?

I gave my wife the perfect Christmas gift – something she could exchange for what she really wanted.

A homeless drunk staggered over to a Jesus on Christmas Day and said, “Smile, it’s your birthday.”

Three stages of man:  He believes in Santa Clause.  He does not believe in Santa Clause.  He is Santa Claus.

They are planning to modernize the Christmas story.  From now on the Three Wise Men will bring gift certificates.

I gave my grandson a book for Christmas.  He spent six months looking for where to put the batteries.

The Santa at the mall asked a child, “What can I get you for Christmas?”  “Nothing,” the child replied, “I will use my credit cards.”

CHURCH:

You have to get to Church pretty early to get a seat in the back row.

A man searching for a church attends Christ’s Church on a Sunday morning.  The minister began his sermon, “We have left undone many things we should have done, and we have done many of the things we should not have done.”  The visitor smiles to himself, “I have found my group.”

Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.

One day they are seen pounding a sing into the gound, which said: DA END IS NEAR! TURN YERSELF AROUND NOW BAFOR IT ISS TOO LATE!

As a car speeds past them the driver leans out his window and yells, “Leave people alone.  You Scandahoovian religious nuts!”

From the curve, Sven and Ole hear screeching tires and a big splash.

Shaking his headReverend Ole says, “Dats da terd one dis mornin'”.

“Ya”, Pastor Sven agrees, then asks, “Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, ‘Bridge Out?'”

 

READER – PLEASE FEEL FREE TO ADD YOUR OWN JOKES.