“Last night, Donald Trump said if he’s elected, he will employ a ‘deportation task force.’ It’s not really necessary, because if he’s elected most people will probably leave voluntarily.” –Conan O’Brien

“The Boston Globe just reported that according to his campaign staff, Donald Trump wouldn’t take any vacations as president. I think that’s because he has offended so many other countries he can’t leave this one.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A 12-year-old boy is actually running one of Trump’s campaign offices in Colorado. When asked how an inexperienced child could be running things, the boy said, ‘Look, he’s the nominee and we’re stuck with him.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“This weekend, Donald Trump tried to win over black voters by asking them, ‘What the hell do you have to lose?’ Coincidentally, that’s also the way he proposed to all three of his wives.” –Conan O’Brien

“So, Trump got rid of his old campaign chairman who was trying to get him to tone down his rhetoric and hired people who want him to be even more controversial. Trump’s like an alcoholic who fires his doctor and starts getting medical advice from his bartender.” –Seth Meyers

“In the last 24 hours, Donald Trump has refused to endorse Republican leaders up for re-election, accused John McCain of failing veterans, suggested Americans pull their 401(k)s out of the stock market, threw out a crying baby at a rally, fought with the father of a dead soldier, and suggested President Obama was responsible for the death of troops during George W Bush’s time in office. Said voters, ‘Yeah, but I’m not sure I trust Hillary Clinton.'” –Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump had yet another awkward moment today. Apparently there was a crying baby at one of his rallies, and Trump actually kicked it out, saying, ‘Get the baby out of here.’ It backfired when the Secret Service tried to remove Trump.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A new poll by Public Policy Polling shows Hillary Clinton getting 43 percent, Donald Trump with 38 percent, and this was an actual choice, a giant meteor hitting the earth got 13 percent. 38 percent for Trump, 13 percent for meteor — that adds up to 51 percent of the people okay with the world coming to an end. Yes, two giant destructive orange balls.” –Stephen Colbert

“While they were in the DNC cyber matrix, the Russians apparently stole opposition research on Donald Trump. Russia, what are you doing? If you want damaging information about Donald Trump, just wait for him to talk.” –Stephen Colbert

“Paul Ryan said what Trump is saying about a judge of Mexican heritage is the ‘textbook definition’ of a racist comment. Even worse, that textbook is made by Trump University.” –Jimmy Fallon

“It’s official now, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump have both clinched the nomination for their respective parties. Which means we could be looking at our first female president or our last president.” –Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump is now ahead of Hillary Clinton in the polls. This was reported today in The Washington Post, and 2,000 years ago in the Book of Revelation.” –Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump fired his campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski. Trump said Lewandowski was controversial, impulsive and short-tempered – and will make a great running mate.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump is continuing to draw criticism for his claims that Judge Gonzalo Curiel’s Mexican heritage makes him unfit to preside over a lawsuit against Trump University, despite the fact that Curiel was born and raised in Indiana. And when Trump found that out, he said, ‘Oh, no, he’s an Indian, too?'” –Seth Meyers

“Yesterday, Donald Trump said, ‘If I lose, I don’t think you’ll ever see me again.’ So finally, a Trump campaign slogan we can all get behind.” –Conan O’Brien

“Nearly 70 percent of Americans said a Trump presidency would make them ‘anxious.’ And 30 percent said a Trump presidency would make them ‘Canadian.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump is America’s back mole. It may have seemed harmless a year ago, but now that it’s become frighteningly bigger, it’s no longer wise to ignore it.” –John Oliver

“At a rally over the weekend, Donald Trump was surrounded by Secret Service agents after a man tried to rush the stage. The Secret Service said the man was dangerous and disturbed, but they had to protect him anyway. Proving once and for all, the best way to keep everyone safe and sound is to build a wall around Donald Trump.” –Jimmy Fallon

“At a rally in Las Vegas last night Donald Trump told supporters he’d like to punch protesters in the face. Though he looks more like the kind of guy who would stroke a white cat while somebody else punched you in the face.” –Seth Meyers

“Analysts say Hillary Clinton’s plan to defeat Donald Trump involves painting Trump as ‘dangerous and bigoted.’ She plans on doing this by quoting Trump accurately.” –Conan O’Brien

“A protester had to be escorted out of a Donald Trump rally last night for yelling, ‘Trump’s a racist.’ The protester was removed because the Trump campaign has that phrase copyrighted.” –Seth Meyers

“After he won yesterday’s Nevada caucus, Donald Trump said, ‘I love the poorly educated.’   Trump then said, ‘And when I’m president there’ll be more of them than ever.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Republicans are blaming President Obama for creating Donald Trump. While others say he was created in a lab when a young real estate developer was bitten by a radioactive douchebag.” –Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump said that he’s not going to the Fox News debate, because moderator Megyn Kelly is biased against him. And Trump has a right to be scared, because usually when a younger, attractive woman disagrees with him, she ends up taking half his stuff.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Trump is kind of like the movie Snakes on a Plane.  Sure the idea is entertaining.   But an actual snake on your plane would be terrifying.  And that’s what’s happening now.  The plane is American democracy. And the snake is Trump.”  –Seth Meyers

“In an interview this morning, Donald Trump said mosques need to be ‘watched and studied’ because he believes they may spread hateful views. In related news, Donald Trump needs to be watched and studied.” –Seth Meyers

“At a Donald Trump rally the other night, a supporter shouted out the Nazi salute ‘Sieg Heil!’ Trump immediately responded, ‘There is no place for that here – save it for my inauguration.'” –Conan O’Brien

“At the Fox debate, Donald Trump revealed himself to be nasty, boorish, sexist, ignorant, and smug. And that’s what the Republicans love about him.” –Bill Maher

“Donald Trump is still under fire for mocking a reporter with physical disabilities. Trump told his supporters, ‘Don’t worry, I’ll soon do something worse and all this will be forgotten.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump said last night that despite calling Ted Cruz a ‘maniac,’ he has since learned that Cruz has a ‘wonderful temperament.’ And if Donald Trump thinks you have a ‘wonderful temperament,’ you’re probably a maniac.” –Seth Meyers

“Despite Donald Trump’s tough stance on immigration, Trump Modeling Agency is being accused of hiring lower-paid foreign models. In his defense, Trump says those aren’t laborers, those are ‘future wives.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump won this weekend in Nevada and South Carolina, respectively. Because Americans are ready for compassionate, principled, experienced leadership OR the opposite.” –Seth Meyers

“If Trump does become president, I hope he puts a wig on his plane and calls it Hair Force One.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents — doesn’t work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He’s already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem. … This is what I’ve been waiting for my whole life. A President who’s not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying a**hole.” –Lewis Black