Catholic Priest Jokes
By covering the horrendous crimes against children by Priests – the Roman Catholic Church has invited a legitimate comparison to slimy lawyers.
If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a Catholic Priest, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
Shoot the Priest twice.
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How many Catholic Priests does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, Catholic Priests only screw alter boys.
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How many Catholic Priests does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, get the Alter Boy to do it.
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What’s wrong with Catholic Priest jokes?
Catholic Priests don’t think they’re funny, and nobody else thinks they’re jokes.
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Why have some cities outlawed Catholic Priests from going to the beach?
Because the cats keep trying to bury them in the sand.
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What do you call 5000 dead Catholic Priests at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!
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How can you tell when a Catholic Priest is lying about sex with alter boys?
His lips are moving.
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What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Catholic Priest in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
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Why won’t sharks attack Catholic Priests?
Professional courtesy.
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What do you have when a Catholic Priest is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
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Why did God make snakes just before Catholic Priests?
To practice.
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How do you get a Catholic Priest out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
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Do you know how to save a drowning Priest?
Take your foot off his head.
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Do you know how to save a drowning Priest?
No? Good!
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What’s the difference between a Catholic Priest and a catfish?
One is a slimy, bottom dwelling, scum sucker. The other is a fish.
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What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a Catholic Priest convention?
The caterer.
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Why are Catholic Priests like nuclear weapons?
When they land, they prevent anything from functioning for the next hundred years.
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Why does Italy have the most Priests, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste dumps?
New Jersey got first pick.
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What’s black and brown and looks good on an Priest?
A doberman pinscher.
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When a Priest dies, why do they bury them 600 feet underground?
Because deep down, they’re really nice guys.
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If you drop a snake and a Priest off the Empire State Building, which one hits first?
Who cares?
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How can you tell the difference between a dead skunk and a dead Priest on the road?
The vultures aren’t gagging over the skunk.
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What do Priests use for birth control?
Alter Boys.
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What’s the definition of mixed emotions?
Watching your Priest drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.
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How many Priests does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One; the Priest holds it while the rest of the world revolves around him.
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How many Priests does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five, one holds the light bulb and the other four drink until the room starts spinning.
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How many Priests does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Hee Hee Hee, he said ‘screw’.
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Where ever you find four Catholic Priests you will usually find a fifth.
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A Priest and a Rabbi are walking down the street.
They see a young boy approaching.
The Priest says, “Hey, let’s screw him.”
The Rabbi says, “Out of what?”
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What’s the difference between a Priest and a terrorist?
Terrorists are proud of what they do.
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What do you get when you cross a Priest with a demon from hell?
No changes occur.
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What’s the difference between God and a Priest?
God doesn’t think he’s an Priest
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What is the difference between Priests and cow shit?
Are you kidding – priests don’t come from cows…
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Comment by Hank on 17 March 2010:
Dump Joe Cannon as editor of the Deseret News over Pedophile Cover Up!
Comment by PAUL on 17 April 2014:
ITS AMAZING HOW INFORMED THE JOKES AND THE JOKERS ARE. WHY NOT USE IT FOR SOMETHING CONSTRUCTIVE AND CREATIVE.
DO YOU NOT KNOW, HOW MANY CHILDREN ARE ABUSED BY THEIR OWN PARENTS AND RELATIONS? WELL, YOU NEED A SCAPEGOAT ANYWAY.
Comment by PAUL JOSEPH on 4 May 2014:
I AM SO SAD AT THE COMMENTS PASSED ON THE ABUSE. NOW TELL ME, IS THERE ANY PLACE WHERE ABUSE HAS NOT TAKEN PLACE? IT HAS IN THE CHURCH AND THEY ARE DEALT WITH. EVERY INDIVIDUAL PARISH HAS A CHILD PROTECTION OFFICER AND CHILDREN ARE CARED FOR.
IS THERE ANY OFFICER OR SOCIAL WORKER FOR THE FAMILIES WHERE ABUSE TAKES PLACE? HOW ABOUT THOSE MANY CASES WHERE ABUSERS WALK FREE?
WHAT ABOUT THOSE MANY CASES WHERE A FALSE ACCUSATION IS MADE WITH THE SOLE INTENTION OF A LUCRATIVE COMPENSATION?
WHAT ABOUT THOSE MANY CASES WHERE HATRED TOWARDS A PRIEST IS CONVERTED INTO A FABRICATION OF ABUSE…
ALL THESE ARE HAPPENING AND MUCH MORE… GIVE IT A THOUGHT, BEFORE POINTING A FINGER..!
MAY BE ITS HAPPENING IN A PLACE CLOSE TO YOU OR KNOWN TO YOU… WHO KNOWS?
Comment by Lester Rees on 25 May 2014:
Here’s another Catholic priest joke – As you know, kids like to go to Toys R Us. What store do Catholic priests like to go to? Punchline: Boys R Us
Comment by Paul on 9 January 2015:
You have used a word… SCUM..! That’s exactly what you are..!
Do you believe in God? What is God for you?
You must be a God yourself, who knows? As I see it, you seem to know everything about priest don’t you..! That’s what someone would call… OMNIPOTENT..!
Just to correct your spelling… there is a different meaning for Alter. You are actually misfiring… Hahahahahahah..!
Comment by Paul on 9 January 2015:
I am sure you don’t want to accept comments. Coward..!
You have used a word… SCUM..! That’s exactly what you are..!
Do you believe in God? What is God for you?
You must be a God yourself, who knows? As I see it, you seem to know everything about priest don’t you..! That’s what someone would call… OMNIPOTENT..!
Just to correct your spelling… there is a different meaning for Alter. You are actually misfiring… Hahahahahahah..!