There is a misconception across this country that Mexican-Americans in Arizona can be arrested for looking like a Mexican without a driver’s license.  An arrest could happen – but there are measures, completely legal, to avoid unnecessary arrest.  We recommend simple disguises to thwart the Sheriff and his Deputies.

We begin with the standard Groucho Marx nose and glasses.  This is a relatively simple disguise which has the added value of being the standard for regular white Americans.  When the Sheriff sees an illegal immigrant wearing this particular disguise he will smile and wave – really – would someone running form the law actually go out in public with this mask?

Check the two people at the left – can you discern any particular nationality?  These are actually French Canadian Americans, living peacefully in Arizona.  Because of their mixed heritage, and given the new laws in Arizona, they were not taking any chances of being profiled by the Sheriff.  We admire their French Canadian American ingenuity.

But being arrested is no laughing matter.  There are serious disguises which can be manufactured on a low budget.  While the disguise is effective, we have to caution people in Arizona to be careful.  This particular camouflage was manufactured in Missouri.  Typical drug addicts running illegal meth labs have become proficient at disguising themselves.

The sort of foliage used in Missouri is not readily available in Arizona.   Missouri does not grow cactus.  When trying this disguise in the south west we recommend care with assembling a cactus camouflage.

The surgical mask has utilitarian purposes, as well as the use as a disguise.  Male Mexicans should probably wear a hard hat and some safety glasses to complete the affect.

We recommend females  add a medical smock – this lends credibility to the idea that you are not actually hiding.  In trial studies conducted in the Scottsdale area we found that Sheriff Deputies actually asked illegal female immigrants for advice in treating their cactus allergies.

The surgical mask has drawbacks.  The mask must be congruent with general attire.  For example, if you are a punk rocker illegal immigrant the surgical mask may not be the best solution for your particular case.

How about this – Charlie Chaplin was short in stature, wore clothes that made him look like he had just climbed a border fence, slept the night in a parking lot dumpster, and waddled when he walked like someone who desperately needs to use a public toilet.  The Mexican American merely need add a Derby and carry a stick.

Note the shoes.  Mexicans who do not want to be arrested should wear American made foot wear.  Long pants, crumpled around the ankles give that real American look.  Approaching Sheriff Deputies are probably just looking for an autograph – oblige them – but practice writing Charlie Chaplin – Never sign an autograph Manuel Jesus Barbosa.

When visiting a library to check the on-line illegal immigrant job listings we recommend a full face mask.  Librarians are not accustomed to being robbed at gun point by immigrants in ski masks so you should be safe.  Additionally, because libraries are air conditioned, the mask will provide warmth to your ears (It generally takes a few days to acclimate from the hot Mexican climate to the frigid air of public libraries).

Female immigrants could probably get by with simple Islamic attire.  The whole toot about immigration began with those Muslim rascals who entered our country, learned to fly airplanes, and failed to negotiate the treacherous skies over Manhattan.

Anyway – the Arizona Sheriff’s Departments are not worried about actual terrorists.  They are concerned their children will not be able to get good jobs scooping pig eyeballs at pork processing plants.  They generally leave the Islamic folks alone.

Children are easily disguised – in fact – left to their own devices children often masquerade as characters of American folklore.  Any Mexican in Arizona can easily be disguised as a Navajo Indian.   The Sheriff Deputies might arrest you anyway – but you will be sent to an Indian Reservation rather than deported to Mexico.

Female immigrants can look like real Americans with simple facial creams.  We expect women on daily errands to ignore attire when checking the fruit and vegetables at the local market.

An Important Word Of Caution.  Inappropriate Disguises can Backfire:

Traveling immigrants, people going to work, to the market, or out to dinner and a movie should never pile into pickups.  This is a big red flag for Sheriff Departments.  They say they do not racially profile – but there is mounting evidence that more than seven people in the back of a pickup are often stopped and questioned.

We know it is hot in Arizona.  But the added value of wind in your face does not offset the risk of being stopped by an astute Deputy Sheriff.

Again, it is hot in Arizona – but do not wear traditional Mexican head gear and ponchos.  Studies show that the Groucho Marx Glasses are negated by sombreros and bright colored blankets.

Regular Americans visiting Arizona are being cautioned to avoid the local festive attire.  The men at the left were stopped and questioned by Arizona law enforcement – these men did not have their birth certificates, their driver’s licenses were from out of state, and they were detained for nearly four hours until their wives, wearing Burkas, came to their rescue.

America is at a crossroads.  People are immigrating from all over the world.  Some come here to blow up buildings, kill people, and trash our economy.  These folks are in the minority and not to be concerned with.  The bigger problem is with the hordes of short little rascals who just want to work and send money home to their families – this sort of behavior will not be tolerated.

So wear a disguise.