I am 75 years old. I am also 75 years young. Attitude? My life has engaged a couple of chronic, life-changing, medical conditions. Some are minor, meaning that I just have to take regular medication – Blood pressure and hypothyroidism. Some are more life changing. I have a condition called Charcot-Marie-Tooth (CMT). It is a degeneration of my peripheral nervous system. One result is severe foot-drop – so much so that I have to wear leg braces to walk. My balance is disrupted because I get very little feedback from my feet. This disorder also causes a weak grip in my hands so I often need assistance with things like opening a jar or bottle. A few months ago I fell off a ladder (firstly – I have no sense of balance because of Charcot-Marie-Tooth, secondly – I am not supposed to be on ladders.) I suffered a severe tear in my left shoulder rotator cuff. The MRI suggested some old damage also (I fall down often because of the CMT). The damage is not operable – it cannot be fixed surgically. I have participated in physical therapy the past three months and I have 130 degrees of motion in my left shoulder compared to 180 degrees in my right shoulder. I have one fully functioning limb – and it is 75 years old.

There you go. That is the stuff of my general whining around. I carry a cane to help with balance. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself. I understand the age-old question: Why me? But then I look around. Generally it is not healthy to compare oneself to others. There are always people better off, and always people worse off. I don’t think it is healthy to think in terms of better-than and worse-than. But we do need perspective – and looking around honestly can be healthy – but now we are talking attitude.

My medical issues take me to clinics where I see others with similar problems. I am a recurring-outpatient at the Muscular Dystrophy Clinic at KU Medical Center in Kansas City, Kansas. I am also enrolled in three different studies at the University of Iowa Medical Center in Iowa City, Iowa. They enrolled me in the human-gnome project to study my DNA. They also have the DNA of three of my brothers for comparison. While visiting these clinics I get to see people in advanced stages of a variety of genetic debilitating neuron-muscular diseases. Holy Cow! Almost everyone I see is more advanced in their disease and I believe that everyone I have seen is younger than me. I wear braces and use a cane. I see people in wheel chairs and others struggling with walkers. I drive myself to Kansas City and to Iowa and take myself to the clinic – many other people require a care-giver to help them get to their appointments. I drive myself to physical therapy. Others come in their wheel chair by way of the OATS Bus. I think everyone at the physical therapy clinic is younger than me. My 57-year-old friend Brian was recently diagnosed with Parkinson. Dale has a degenerative disease and went blind by age 45. Lon had cancer and died when he was 30. I am a member of the facebook page “Central High School Class of 68”. They have a memorial video for those who have passed. They recently had a luncheon on the second floor of a local restaurant and several could not make it because they cannot do stairs. Some are patients in long-term care centers.

I am typing this diatribe myself. This means my hands do work. I can dress myself, and cook, and drive, and mow my lawn. We have a nice vegetable garden. (I admit my partner Julie is a real worker). I read 20-30 books a year. I write essays like this one. I was on a ladder because I am building an addition to my garage. After I fell off the ladder my solution was to purchase a more sturdy ladder. I work slower as a one-armed carpenter – but I discovered ropes and pulleys and clamps and vices and power tools. Life is more challenging but there is very little that I cannot do. Actually, there is a lot that I cannot do but I decided I don’t want to do those things. I have a forge and a pottery studio. My canes are homemade in my wood shop. By the end of this summer I shall be smelting my own Bronze cane handles. I have an old growth red oak plank that should be good for ten canes.

Aging and chronic illnesses are not for everyone. Comparing self to others can be unhealthy – but it can give perspective.

My life has been a search for meaning. I studied science, literature, history, art, and the humanities. Philosophies of history try to answer the quest for meaning: Christianity, Buddhism, Stoicism, Epicurean, Existentialism, Absurdism… they go on. Everything from “God has a plan” and “Everything happens for a reason” to “Everything is chaos” and “Life is what you make it”. I like science and clarity and knowing the truth – but I also like narrative that indulges imagination and hope.

I like to put some clay on my wheel and get my hands muddy while I ponder life’s meaning in a universe of complexity.

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